I do my best to relax in the passenger seat. After my American years, I can't help the sensation that I should be driving when I'm on the left seat. I close my eyes trying to escape the unpleasant contradiction between habit and reality.
"Of course he had a point to get her out. Who else did he have? He was in no position to call on Buffy. Besides, he wanted to save his vampire friend, and she had already sent Angel to hell once before. And, yes, he had no better card against the Beast than Angelus. I'm just saying that if you take the guy's soul out, you better be sure to have around the one person who re-insouled him."
My dislike of Wesley comes from messing with my Slayers. If it hadn't been for his stupid blind obedience to the Council, Faith would've been spared a lot of grief. I learned to like the girl when she returned from prison. After Wesley had gotten her out. I can't blame him for a lot of things. Again, I have that fatherly, understanding attitude. Even about Wesley. I was a lot like him, before I had my arrogance knocked out of me by my dabblings into dark magic.
"I do know how he works, Lilah. We have the same basic training. If they hadn't sent him to deal with two Slayers before he had even trained a potential, a lot of mistakes could have been avoided. At least when I was his age I paid for my mistakes myself."
I whispered the last part, lost in memories of my youth. My dangerous experiments.
"You know I think you're the first one to actually agree that he did the right thing,when it comes to how he dealt with the beast. His so called friends weren't exactly greatful.." I replied bitterly.
I took a few moments to focus on driving and collecting my thoughts,before turning to him. "You may've had the same Watchers training,but you're not really the same. I mean you're not that same magic junkie anymore. And Wesley's not that bummbling stuck up moron you used to know. He was just a man trying so hard to get the approval from everyone around him." Everyone except me I thought to myself. If I really thought about it we had a lot in common in that area.
God I miss him,I didn't think it would hurt this much. I was wrong, so very wrong. I turned my attention back to the road,as I softly said."I'm sorry I know you probably meant most of what you said to be a good thing. I guess I've just gotten so used to defending him against Angel and the others.. you know what nevermind" I kept my eyes on the road.
From her first words my brain snaps to attention. I try to keep my body relaxed and my eyes closed to keep her from noticing my sharp interest. I have to bite my tongue not to say anything when she refers to me as a magic junkie. God damn it they must have files thick as encyclopedias on all the players!
The way she talks about Wesley, though, tells me he's more than a name in a file for her. What had she said about Watchers when I pressed her for answers about the mind wipe? That they need to know everything. What else? That they want what they can't have? That they're not happy with what they do have? What the hell had happened between her and Wesley?
Her tone is full of sadness and maybe even pain when she says she is used to defending him. Bloody hell!
I'm quite shocked, but I know better than showing any signs of it. I could always hide my emotions. With age, I got even better at it.
"Yes, I know how they are. Champions. Righteous. World's in black and white for them."
I wonder if I should inform her that the Wesley Wyndham-Pryce fan club has at least another two members. Both Faith and Willow had been quite vocal in their praises for him. Willow talked about how good he looked, about the physical changes she saw. Faith however... Faith had told me enough to know that Pryce wasn't a wrong choice for her as a Watcher. It had been a very unfortunate timing in pairing them up.
"We all strive for validation," I tell her, my eyes still closed. "The trick is to want it from the right person."
I wonder whose approval had she wanted when she joined Wolfram and Hart.
I can't let go of the Wesley issue. I am certain she loved him, and the revelation chilled me more than any of the things I told myself for the past month.
"Maybe I should call Wesley. We have both bee fired by the Council at some point. Who knows how many things we may have in common?"
My tone got almost sleepy by the end. I'm wide awake and I wish I could see the emotions on her face when I say all this. I think she'd feel safer to know me asleep. She probably realized she said too much. I wonder how deeply does she still care.
I kept my focus on the road as he talked. I tried not to let my mind drift off to thoughts of Wes,as I listened to Rupert. "Yeah some champion Angel turned out to be.. " I muttered bitterly at the thought of everything he'd done, not only to me,but to Wes and his other friends.
"Their view of the world is screwed up. They just refuse to see the shades of gray even though they know that they're there." Thankfully Wes had managed to break free of that, with some help from me.
I glanced over at him,as he said we were all looking for approval. "Yeah I guess so, and finding the right person to want it from isn't as easy as it seems." Hell I should know,so should Wes. He probably knows better than Rupert and myself combined.
Thinking of Wes I can't help, but feel like I some how shattered into a million tiny pieces the day he just gave up and walked away. I still don't really feel like all the pieces are back in place yet. I'm just now finally admiting to myself that he broke my heart that day. And in some ways I feel like my being transfered to the London branch is some sort of punishment.
And I just want it to stop hurting so damn much. I shrugged when he said that he thought perhaps he should call Wes. "Maybe you should,but that's completely up to you. Although you're also assuming he'll even have time to talk to you.." I knew that was a lie. I'd tried calling him a few weeks back,and got him on the phone, only to hang up after he said hello.
Yeah I know I should've said something,but I was too scared. Too much has happened to both of us,I wouldn't even know where to begin, after yelling at him for leaving of course.
It was around now that I realized that I'd said a bit too much, concerning Wes. After glancing over at Giles,who apperaed to be half asleep, I went back to trying to keep my mind on work related topics.
Pryce too busy to talk to me? That would be the day!
She's wrong about Angel, though. I never liked the guy, not just because he's a vampire, but because of what he did to Buffy. That love cost both their souls. His literally. Still, whatever else he is, he is a champion. And he does know more shades of gray than she can imagine. Maybe that's why he is so harsh with the people who fight in his corner. The slide through gray into black is too easy. Even I know it.
Lilah finally falls quiet. I'm a little sorry for her. She seems to have gotten her heart broken. That's not easy for anyone, no matter how evil you are. Or maybe it's even harder for them because love's not altruistic on their side. I'd have what to tell her. I could even manage to comfort her. But she's not one of my girls, is she? It's not my responsibility to make her feel better.
"Yes, well, I'll think about it," I say drowsily. "Are we there yet?" I ask, opening one eye.
I hope it'll make her smile. That is the most annoying thing, childish thing I could say now. I must miss my kids more than I realized. I used to hate taking them to the mall because of the thousand times an hour they asked 'are we there yet'.
She needs some fun in her life. Coming from me, that's downright scary.